I find myself in this position often, maybe a little too often.
I get into this groove and then after a while I realize I have no idea where I am, where I was headed and how to get back on track.
I have several areas that this happens in; my personal life, my writing, my marriage, parenting, homeschooling, and even my relationship with Christ.
Sometimes, I get so lost I don’t know any of the above things. It’s a pretty dizzying feeling. Like the world is spinning around me and I can’t even take a step forward to balance myself for fear that it will be the wrong one.
When I’m in this place, of total disconnection, I find that I can really only try to get back on track with one area at a time. Obviously the best place to start would be with my relationship with Christ, but this is usually the last place I go.
For whatever reason I get this thought in my head that I can totally get it all under control. Like I can stabilize each area by myself if I just take some time off, or get alone, or kick all my kids out of the house, or get to the next season, or find a stable job for my husband, or, or, or.
The reality is though, I can’t do it. I just can’t. It’s not for lack of organization, or effort. I’m a hard worker, and can be uber-organized. But whenever I try to fix it all, it just makes a bigger mess.
I feel unsupported (because I don’t let people help me)
I get frustrated (because I can’t keep track of it all)
I get exhausted (because my body can’t take it all)
I feel like a failure (because I set myself up to fail)
I have to give up. I have to throw my hands in the air and say, “fine, whatever happens happens.”
You would think that by 31, and having failed a million times, I would have figured out by now that I can’t do it all. But I haven’t. I’m not even sure I’m close yet. I’ll probably have to fail a few more million times before then.
Take this past month for example. My husband had finally found a job, near home even! But then weather kept him at home as the lack of work mounted.
With no savings because of previous layoffs we are tight. Real tight. Like, “I guess we’ll skip paying the mortgage this month” tight.
Add the fact that I’m going to Panama next month ( Why I’m Leaving My 6 Kids to go to Panama ), and there is a lot of stress. A lot. A whole lot.
I’m good at a lot of things, but financial stress isn’t one of them. In our marriage we’ve had TONS of times where I’ve had to learn to rely on God and honestly, I’m done.
I just wish God would be like, “okay Esther, I see this is hard for you, so I’ll stop throwing these ‘growth’ situations your way.”
It’s not happening. I need to grow. I’m stubborn.
I had this conversation with God the other day.
Then later that night my friend showed up at my door.
He knew where I was.
He knew I was tired.
He knew I was weary.
My friend handed me $800 for my trip. That’s right, $800.
Add to that my husbands aunt. She emailed me a few days before that she was sending me $500 for my trip.
Thank you God. You knew I needed to see it. Like Thomas I just needed to see it. You are there. You know, and I’m ready to let go, again.
How About You?
Do you have an area that you need to let go of?
Where has God helped you? Grown you?
Panama Still Needs You!
I may have all of my funding, but there are many who still need help to get there! Putting on a conference of this size takes a lot of people, and money! Please help by making a donation
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out these posts about why I’m going and what I’ll be doing.
Here is the link to give to my tax deductible giving fund. For those who give $50 or more I’ll be sending a one of a kind tie-dye ‘I (heart) Panama’ T-shirt!
See you next time!