SONY DSC

When I Find Myself Sinking With My Lack of Faith

I find myself in this position often, maybe a little too often.

I get into this groove and then after a while I realize I have no idea where I am, where I was headed and how to get back on track.

I have several areas that this happens in; my personal life, my writing, my marriage, parenting, homeschooling, and even my relationship with Christ.

Sometimes, I get so lost I don’t know any of the above things. It’s a pretty dizzying feeling. Like the world is spinning around me and I can’t even take a step forward to balance myself for fear that it will be the wrong one.

When I’m in this place, of total disconnection, I find that I can really only try to get back on track with one area at a time. Obviously the best place to start would be with my relationship with Christ, but this is usually the last place I go.

For whatever reason I get this thought in my head that I can totally get it all under control. Like I can stabilize each area by myself if I just take some time off, or get alone, or kick all my kids out of the house, or get to the next season, or find a stable job for my husband, or, or, or.

The reality is though, I can’t do it. I just can’t. It’s not for lack of organization, or effort. I’m a hard worker, and can be uber-organized. But whenever I try to fix it all, it just makes a bigger mess.

I feel unsupported (because I don’t let people help me)

I get frustrated (because I can’t keep track of it all)

I get exhausted (because my body can’t take it all)

I feel like a failure (because I set myself up to fail)

I have to give up. I have to throw my hands in the air and say, “fine, whatever happens happens.”

You would think that by 31, and having failed a million times, I would have figured out by now that I can’t do it all. But I haven’t. I’m not even sure I’m close yet. I’ll probably have to fail a few more million times before then.

Take this past month for example. My husband had finally found a job, near home even! But then weather kept him at home as the lack of work mounted.

With no savings because of previous layoffs we are tight. Real tight. Like, “I guess we’ll skip paying the mortgage this month” tight.

Add the fact that I’m going to Panama next month ( Why I’m Leaving My 6 Kids to go to Panama ), and there is a lot of stress. A lot. A whole lot.

I’m good at a lot of things, but financial stress isn’t one of them. In our marriage we’ve had TONS of times where I’ve had to learn to rely on God and honestly, I’m done.

I just wish God would be like, “okay Esther, I see this is hard for you, so I’ll stop throwing these ‘growth’ situations your way.”

<sigh>

It’s not happening. I need to grow. I’m stubborn.

I had this conversation with God the other day.

Then later that night my friend showed up at my door.

God knew.

He knew where I was.

He knew I was tired.

He knew I was weary.

My friend handed me $800 for my trip. That’s right, $800.

Add to that my husbands aunt. She emailed me a few days before that she was sending me $500 for my trip.

Thank you God. You knew I needed to see it. Like Thomas I just needed to see it. You are there. You know, and I’m ready to let go, again.

 

How About You?

Do you have an area that you need to let go of?

Where has God helped you? Grown you?

 

Panama Still Needs You!

I may have all of my funding, but there are many who still need help to get there! Putting on a conference of this size takes a lot of people, and money! Please help by making a donation :-)

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out these posts about why I’m going and what I’ll be doing.

Why I’m Leaving My 6 Kids to Go to Panama

Panama Missions & El Refuge

Here is the link to give to my tax deductible giving fund. For those who give $50 or more I’ll be sending a one of a kind tie-dye ‘I (heart) Panama’ T-shirt!

Online fundraising for Panama 2013 - Esther Aspling

 

Don’t Forget!

You can follow me on Twitter @EstherAspling and like me on Facebook HERE.

See you next time!
Esther :-)

 

 

2 thoughts on “When I Find Myself Sinking With My Lack of Faith”

  1. Esther, if you are anything like me (and having read your work here, you are :) ), I suspect you don’t much care for reminders from churchy people because it is so easy to come off as just another person offering a platitude. I just couldn’t let the following go unanswered:

    “You would think that by 31, and having failed a million times, I would have figured out by now that I can’t do it all. But I haven’t. I’m not even sure I’m close yet. I’ll probably have to fail a few more million times before then.”

    I’ll be 60 in December, God willing, and I’ve finally, truly figured it out – let me save you some calculation time :) . Relax. You can’t do it all – and you were never meant to do it all – by yourself. With God – and with opening up to others (which we fear will come across as whining, or showing a lack of faith, or God knows what other lies we tell ourselves), we grow past the limitations we keep arguing for.

    Congrats on having raised the funds – go to Panama and come home safely. Blog about it, if you can, while you’re there. Know someone is reading, smiling, encouraging you to hang in there.

    Rick

    1. Thanks Rick!
      I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon :-)
      I did at least say no to one project this week, and my lack of internet is keeping my workload at bay, lol

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>