A while back I was a part of a ministry team where I played a fairly small role. The time and commitment to the team meant that I didn’t have room in my life for any other ministry.
The longer I was a part of the team, the deeper and deeper a certain longing grew inside of me.
I easily confused this longing as being a desire to play a larger role in the ministry. Over time this longing turned into boredom. I was amazingly bored in the only ministry I was a part of.
So I tried to find new ways to be involved, I thought going deeper, putting more time into it would somehow fill that longing.
Wrong. So, so wrong.
Not only was I not filling that longing, I started to become resentful of the time I was putting into the ministry with nothing to show for it.
As with many other times in my life, it took a physical inability to be a part of the team for me to quit. Sometimes my stubbornness is so great that at times I joke about God having to physically remove me from something, knowing that over time I would only dig my heels in deeper and deeper otherwise. (oh yes, this has happened on more than one occasion, I don’t learn very quickly…)
I was beyond depressed. I was presented with another ministry opportunity at the same point, and assumed that this must be where God wanted me. The position meant zero contact with others, and sitting behind my computer screen.
As an extreme introvert, isolation is NOT where I should be. Ever. It is far too easy for me to stay in isolation, without any human contact (other than my husband and 6 children). In another life (and realm) I could very easily have been Gollum with chocolate as ‘my Precious’.
But sitting in the background, hidden behind a screen I felt as though I had lost my voice. I was invisible.
As time went on, that theme grew stronger and stronger. I needed to have a voice. There has GOT to be room for me to have a voice!
And then this is where my guilt came in.
“Wow I’m vain”
“Seriously, what on earth could you have to say?”
“And have you received a degree in A, B, C or D? What authority do you have?”
I’m not sure if it’s my German heritage or what, but I have a tendency to suffer in silence, easily bowing to any negative comment/look/gesture made available.
But what if that longing was built in me from the start?
What if I was always meant to seek out my voice?
What if it wasn’t vanity, but God’s way of providing direction?
I’m going to spend some time, sharing with you, conversing with you, trying to understand with you this whole premise.
I know I’m not alone. We may tend to feel as though we are, we might even have people verbally tell us that our restlessness, our longing for more is not Godly, pushing us further and further from God’s role for us.
I know I’m not alone. You are not alone. I don’t want to be stuck any longer. For the sake of God’s plan for our lives, for the Church as a whole, I want us all to be able to move forward.
For my husband.
For my children.
We were all made for more.
What About You?
Have you felt that longing for more?
Are you feeling restless?
Can’t wait to journey with you through this!